Have you ever admired people who just do their thing no matter what? I am always amazed when I see people out jogging, when it’s cold, wet and dark. They always look pretty happy and don’t seem bothered by the fact that they could be inside, in the warm. I asked my friend about why she does this – the simple answer is that for her, its not negotiable. Once I understood this mindset, it opened up a whole new world.
This powerful mindset is the mindset of non-negotiables. These are the things that you need and want to do no matter what. We actually do many of these things every day – we use the bathroom, brush our teeth, eat food, sleep, provide resources for our life. The structure that we need to provide boundaries to our lives. But when things are tough, we also find it hard to maintain these structures – haven’t we all woken up one day, perhaps feeling low in energy, and decided not to shower, to eat whatever is to hand or what can be ordered in, go through the motions at work.
Non-negotiables are a key part of your self care plan. The absence of these self care key points can show up as self neglect (like choosing not to brush your teeth over days) or they can get dropped even though you know you will feel better for doing them. The definition of non-negotiable is something that is not open to discussion or modification. It is a fact and it will be done no matter what.
Why do we find it so hard to do the things we know are good for us ? Often it’s because we spend too much energy on other people, don’t value our own wellbeing or are going through a dark patch with no support. So addressing what self-care means to you, and then deciding what is just not up for discussion is key to wellbeing and effective self-care.
In order for non-negotiables to be effective, they have to follow your own values and principles. Otherwise it will be too easy to skip them. They need to be promises that you will keep to yourself. Nothing and nobody can get in your way. They can’t be things you think you should be doing; they have to be actions you want to do because you feel the positive benefit.
What do non-negotiables look like ?
They will be different to different people and can range in scale, but here are some examples of non-negotiables:
- Only taking calls or responding to messages at a time that suits you
- Taking time to prepare and eat heathy, nutritious meals
- Going for a run or doing exercise at the time you want regardless of the weather or what other people want to do
- Using your face and body products or clothes and not waiting for a special time
- Taking time out for yourself ie. Sunday mornings to do a hobby or go to Church or get into nature
- Keeping your living space clean and uncluttered
- Getting to bed at a time that gives you enough rest
- Not working at times outside of your working hours
- Setting time aside to be with your partner in a quality way
- Using tools to plan activities and family obligations to minimise pressure and stress
- Not continuing relationships with people that are detrimental to your mental health
- Volunteering locally
The clue is in the name – negotiables. When you are part of a family and have responsibilities some of these will need to be negotiated with others. Communicating these boundaries is essential for everyone to be on the same page – it requires compromise and agreement. Perhaps you will support your partner by starting dinner so they can go for a run straight after work. Perhaps your partner will support you by understanding you need to have things ordered and clean. If you live alone, you still have non-negotiables – in fact, making it clear to others that you have your own priorities is essential.
Once you start to put your non-negotiables into practice, you will be supporting your own self-care, reducing stress and increasing efficiency in your life. Try and observe how you feel when your non-negotiables are met and respected.
What are your non-negotiables?
